Fiction · Rants or So..

Going Nowhere

“I’m not like you,” I say.

“How?” you ask.

“You’re expressive,” I reply. You don’t understand so I proceed to make things clear.

“Last night I nearly died in my sleep.”

“But how do you know if you weren’t awake. That can’t be possible.” You disagree.

“See. You just disagreed with me. You expressed your doubt.”

You chuckle, I laugh then silence befalls us and we savor the awkwardness.

“As you were,” you say while kicking a pebble out of your way.

“Oh yeah. I had a blocked nose so I didn’t take in enough air. My breaths were short. I almost died. I’m telling you. Believe me.”

“I do.”

“I’m not convinced.” I say. You take my danty little hands and cup them into yours. You look me in the eye and tell me that I’m going off topic.

“How?” I ask. You say nothing. I’m frustrated. It’s frustrating. You do this all the time. I bite my lower lip a bit too hard. The pain rushes to the very last of my nerves reminding me that I have a heart and it works.

“I almost died last night. I’m telling you.. I’m telling you this now because I love you.” You say nothing. The words bounce back and echo. My mouth is dry but my tongue has more to say.

“I’d have died without you ever knowing that. I love you.”

“I know,” you reply. No I love you too. I’m hurt but I fight the tears with an off topic dry joke.

“What did the cow say when he crossed the road?”

“I don’t know.”

“Me neither.” We laugh even though it’s not funny.

You don’t love me and it’s not funny. I’m nuts for thinking you’d reciprocate the feeling. The reality then dawns on me and I turn on my heel. You shouldn’t see the tears welling up on my face. I run for the bus across the road.

“Where you going?” you ask. As if you don’t know.

“Nowhere,” I say.

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Rants or So..

Drowning

Image Source : Beaton

You gave me a reason to breathe, to fight, to laugh, to exist. But what do I do now with your sudden termination of us. When I look at the empty space on your half of our bed, there is no longer a trace of your body. I contemplated straightening the creases you left on the it because your form was all I had to hold on to.

One day I forgot not to open the windows because when you left I tried to suffocate myself. I left them ajar for a second, not knowing our room needed to gasp for air. The wind came in and took with it your smell and ironed the creases, erasing all the lingering parts of you. But even if you’re apart from me, the memories are vivid.

The way you smirk because you can’t afford a full smile. The way you wait a while before giving your opinion of something – I hate it because it seems impersonal to me. The way you overanalyze a matter that doesn’t need any pondering. The way you pace when you have pressing concerns. I guess I’m casual and you’re the very opposite of me, but if unlike poles attract, where are you now? Why are you not here so that we put the theory of magnetism to test?

I looked for your voice in the wind when I heard its gentle whisper floating in my range. Like a child running towards a melodious rattle, I rushed to have a listen only to find an empty world. I sunk myself into the deepest sorrows and my tears filled up every space until the brim, drowning me and every memory I had of you. A turquoise twilight peered through the depths of my anguish and I swum to the surface hoping it’d be you.

It wasn’t.

The sea pulled me further down. I didn’t fight. I didn’t bargain with the grim reaper. I let it consume the very last of me. The pain of drowning was better than living.

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